'Beginning' is such a promising word.
It's not even a 'good beginning' or a 'successful beginning', no. Just...a beginning.
The prospect of shedding old skin and 'starting something new', as our dear Troy and Gabriella would say it, sounds very...invigorating. (Reference to: High School Musical. Because why wouldn't I?)
It's like the whole 'Breaking Dawn' thing (URGH I'm talking in CLICHES)...the sight of a rising sun is the promise of a new day. Does it matter that you still have to actually be up in time for the sunrise and drag yourself to classes called Quantitative Methods and Analysis for Business and Management? (I mean, really.)
No.
What does matter is that in that one moment when you see the sun rise above the horizon and shatter the glassy blanket of darkness, you smile and feel ready to take on shit like Quantitative Methods and Analysis. You know that you have it in you to take on every blasted college lecture, yappity-yap-STFU-friend, lonely-bout-of-tears and heartbreak.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
I've had that quote in my head for a few days now and well, it works.
Sorry, digression.
But yes, in the beginning of the beginning (hah! Convoluted. At least a little.) you feel alone, anxious, jittery and constantly look at your past for shelter and comfort. Even if you've been dying to dive headlong into a new world to escape the very same past. You're poised with one foot over the threshold.
WELL, if you've got the guts and audacity to get to the threshold, just grit your teeth and get the hell out!
You know it'll be worth it.
I'm the kind of person who always carries around her emotional baggage. Letting go is an unfamiliar concept to me. I cling on to the last, barest thread of things that actually matter to me even if they've hurt me so bad that I've had to make myself let go. It's never actually fully done. It'll always be there at the back of my mind, like lyrics to my favourite songs.
I don't really know if that's the way it works for everyone, 'cause I've seen people forget, so so easily.
But then, maybe those are pretences for the benefits of others, or maybe even an attempt at trying to fool oneself. God knows, we're good at pretending.
But then, this time, I'm just going to keep telling myself, "NO!" in this firm voice I never actually use outside my head, and keep looking forward. There are twilight moments when the memories snake into my mind, of course. But that's when I jump up and say, "Hokay, time to get to...(insert whatever is to be done here.)"
Because that's how it should be.
I deserve to be happy...right?
Doesn't...doesn't everyone?
