Uphill.

Flying isn't easy. You don't just need the wings, you need to trust in yourself and know that you won't fall. You need to stop being afraid of heights.

You need to take that leap of faith.

I'm hardly one to throw words like faith and belief around. I know that you don't just wake up one morning believing in yourself or with faith in God or whatever. They're things you build, like friendship.

You take it step by step. Get things right for once, make the harder choices.

You take some pain now so that you're not in pieces later.

You breathe in and know that beauty still exists and that you yet have years to live, that you can't always bury the past but you can at least try not to live in it.

You can look forward to a new day and make it new, make it worthwhile and make some more memories to cloud the ones you're trying to suppress.

I've found a new world. I'm still trying to understand it better, get more comfortable in it. Some pieces fit easily, some don't. I have to make it work.

As Mr Mraz says in his breathtaking voice here, I won't give up.

On Lykke Li, the New Year, and people who are missed.

And suddenly, I feel like the title says it all.

So Lykke Li has set up camp in my head, with her song Tonight. It is very pretty. Very very pretty.

Here's the Youtube link.

Also, I wasn't ever one to fall for astrological shizz, but APPARENTLY, Mr Neptune is going to be coming by for a long-term stay in Pisces, which is my sign.. And that is a good thing. Or so they say.

Now on to what's really bothering me.

Ever had someone who made you feel capable of being alone more than ever...someone who made you stronger so you didn't need them?

And then...felt like you've lost them?


Frankly, I've never been on the receiving end of romantic affection that I didn't return. And if I have I didn't notice, which is actually quite likely.
But to lose a friend along side being in a situation like that...

Why do I always end up losing friendship to romance?

But...I miss my friend. I miss him so much. Every time that semi-annoying semi-amusing song Kolaveri comes on TV (which happens all too often for my comfort) I miss him. It's not fair that I have to lose him to this, this damn unpredictable wrecking ball.

I check the calendar, see that there are 25 days left to the end of the month-long break he wants from me. I miss him and long for his company. I don't know if this hard for him. I've been in the one-sided boat and know how bad it sucks and wouldn't want to put anyone through it...and I also know what it's like to wish the person out of your life, to half-wish not to ever have met them.

But...I don't want to lie. I don't want to promise something I may not be able to actually give. I don't want to hurt anybody the way I've been hurt.

Then I wonder if I already have.

The core of me that's a scared little child wants to bury herself in a forest cave, in the damp sweet-smelling soil. To feel the rain through the mud but hide from the sun.

But I'm trying to be all grown up now, thanks to the selfsame person. I can't hide. If getting sun-burnt with loss is the only way through this, fine. So be it.

But...I miss him. I've never wished for any particular person to be a part of my readership before...but I wish he would see this and know how sorry I truly am.

Lykke Li's fairy-tale-like yet earthy voice fills the air.

Let me go, let me go
let me go, let me go.